Article written by Ashleigh Lowry.
It seems that in every western romance, book, comic or otherwise there is always at least two romantic interests competing for the affections of the main character. Who wouldn’t want that?
(Holds up hand) Me. I don’t want that. I have never wanted that. It’s messy and unneeded nine times out of ten and it is always toxic or self-destructive for at least one person in the triangle.
However, many of the romantic novels that I read deal with the effects of love triangles, unhealthy relationships and toxic personalities. It is a minefield of terrible relationships that we are meant to enjoy reading about and not throw the book across the room (Sadly, there was a novel that made me do this.) Now I will mention that I do not mean all romance novels, there are a few novels that I quite enjoy that portray relationships in a healthy and positive manner.
I was going to rant on for the entire article about some of the common tropes, quirks and writing choices that authors use that create negative depictions on romance, love and relationships. However, I felt that it would just leave this entire article with an overall negative and sore note on the topic of romance novels which I don’t want. Romance and most of it sub-genres have been part of my life since I was in high school and I don’t want to discourage anyone from trying them out for themselves. So instead I am going to focus on what a good romance novel does well and how they create a positive and healthy relationship that makes people swoon. (Also as an extra positive to this article many of these points are also useful for real world relationships.)
Point 1: The couple COMMUNICATES!
Both in and out of the relationship, couples talk about their lives, their feelings, their day, basically anything and everything. So, when that is present on the page, the couple in the novel feels healthy and strong, people enjoy reading about them. It makes the story feel real and solid. In good romance novels the couple takes time to talk through both negative and positive events, listen and compromise with each other. Something I have found in romance novels that I enjoy, couples do still call each other out for wrong doings and idiocy but they don’t do it to hurt the other, they do it to help them understand they screwed up, then they help them find a solution to fix it. They are empathetic to each other’s needs, acknowledge that the other isn’t perfect and there will be times where they screw up, both minor and major. When something big comes up they don’t cover it up, they call it out and talk about it because in the end their relationship is strong then a mistake or screw up because that communication made it strong. They can talk to each other because they know they will be safe.
In the reverse of that negative couples are depicted as lying, manipulating and/or omitting the truth. This creates distrust, aggression and spitefulness, making the couple extremely toxic to each other and themselves. Having the couple do these things towards each other and still be together makes the reader either angry or worried about the tone of the story. Some might say it’s just conflict values or personalities but I don’t take that as an excuse. If a couple already distrust each other enough to go through each other’s phones instead of talking about their insecurities or ignoring a problem and letting it fester instead of talking it out and coming to a solution. Never have this type of couple in a ‘typical romance’ book again. It’s not a fun read, and it never will be.
Point 2: They have interests that don’t involve the other person
This may sound selfish but trust me it not. For a couple either real or fictional to be healthy and positive, both members of the couple need to have goals and dreams that don’t involve their partner. It could be work, a hobby or sport, but they have something that they are passionate about that could be accomplished with or without the other person in their lives. Having the other person around is a definite bonus however they are not essential to the completion of the goal. Working side by side to complete goals, supporting and helping each other moving forward is a fantastic show of healthy relationship behaviour. We as readers then enjoy reading these stories of these couples as we watch them succeed and grow together into a happy relationship and lives.
As much as toxic and unhealthy novels like to think that in a relationship that you must drop your entire life to be with your one true love, more times than not that is not the case. Losing one’s dreams and goals for a guy, girl or otherwise is one of the most damaging things you can do as a person. Trust Me. So, seeing this in novels just makes it worst, because the audience gets to see the person before, then watch them desert who they are because they fell in love and want to become exactly what that person wants. I have thrown books at walls over this point because it is just wrong. Losing oneself because you’re in love is damaging to mental health and to your relationships with friends and family. You lose a sense of self which can damage mental health and create resentment and anger where there shouldn’t be. Books that try to spin this, using a lighter tone or funny circumstance again only make it worse. Younger readers think this is how relationships are meant to work and become blind to what they should be, which can do nothing good to their mental health. There is not one person on earth that you should abandon yourself to be with. Ever.
Point 3: They is no such thing as control in the relationship
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Relationships are partnerships, they are a give and take, they are compromise, they need all parties to be willing to be equal for it to work. Power imbalances just lead to things breaking. This point leans heavily into the first one but it does have a reason to be here. Healthy fiction couples don’t try and control each other’s lives, they are present for each other’s lives. They don’t tell each other who they can and can’t go out with, instead they offer to pick them up when it over or stay on the phone until they know the other is home safe. They don’t tell you what to eat or wear, they offer to look up recipes that involve favourite foods and send shirts with favourite tv/book/movie quotes. Together they learn to balance time together and time apart. They understand ‘you & me’ time and ‘me’ time are two completely different things. In novels this is evident as well, the couple still sees friends, they still take time for themselves while also making time for each other. One never tries to force the other to bend to their will.
For negative fiction couple… well, this is abuse. Doesn’t matter if it fictional or not, mental, physical or emotional, it’s abuse. In novels, well, we’ve seen it glorified or poked fun at and then made into best sellers (*cough*cough*). One member of the couple making demands of the other is not sexy. Control is not love. No amount of fancy prose or writing can change that. It creates this toxic couple that supposedly people are meant to enjoy and fantasise about having themselves. Trying to glorify abuse just because the person doesn’t hit the other, instead use insults and manipulation just creates vicious cycle that other beginner writers and readers think it is okay to include in their own work. No, just no. Please stop this.
Point 4: They go through everything together.
Okay I can’t hold back with this one, this is the point I rant on!
When one part of a couple just deserts the other when they are in grief, pain or sad just because they ‘can’t deal with it’ is not someone that should be kept around, especially as a romantic partner.
Being present and there for your partners needs in the positive and negative times is how relationships work. So, when I read a novel and the guy, girl or whoever just walks out or ignores the other person because they already had plans or ‘are not good around tears’, I am pretty much ready to hit them over the head and pull them to the nearest dumpster. The entire point of being in a relationship is knowing that whatever happens that person is going to stand/sit/lay there next to you and be ready for what you do next.
*deep breath* Okay rant over.
I do realise that focused more on character points then actual writing points, which I’m more than happy to touch on at a later date, but these are point that are just as important for readers as the words and sentence structure to me.
Healthy relationships and strong, happy couples are the reason I keep reading romance novels.
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