Article written by Caitlyn Saliba.
First of all, a huge thanks to my close friend and fellow writer, Dylan Bell, for helping me so tremendously with this article (I need to learn how to express my feelings, but that’s another Let’s Be Real article in itself).
If you’re an extrovert, this is probably something you won’t understand, but I would definitely recommend reading on as you could learn something new about those closest to you, or at the very least gain insight into something you would otherwise be unaware of. Loneliness is more than just a general feeling, like happiness or surprise. It’s so much more than that, and could be linked to far more serious causes.
Loneliness can feel like an empty pit in your stomach that just continuously eats at itself, or it could be much more basic, like the feeling of wanting to do something and then realising that you have no one to do it with. However, no matter how severe your loneliness is, it definitely doesn’t feel good.
When you’re on that extreme end of the spectrum where that pit in your stomach is eating at itself, it’s not hard to feel like your whole life is a waste. When you get to this stage, it’s easy to feel like there’s no one in the world who cares. This can be, but isn’t always, related to depression and social anxiety.
Recently, my best friend of eight years – one of the very few people I even consider a friend – moved states. She has hardly any phone credit, and it’s a very rare occurrence that we get to talk. We went from seeing each other daily and being practically inseparable, to speaking maybe once a week over the phone for five minutes. It’s safe to say that I did not adjust to this very well. I must admit, my partner has tried very hard to keep me entertained and not missing her like crazy, and I will forever be thankful for that, but at the same time, eight years can’t turn into nothing without a little backlash. It’s natural.
It’s hard to explain what this feels like, although I know most people would have dealt with something similar to this in their lives. When something exciting or funny happens, the first thing I did was pull out my phone to message her. Only when the message failed to send, did I remember. The first week was the worst of all. Although I’d helped her pack her stuff up and get out of her house here in Brisbane, it was only once she was actually gone did it hit me. I had no idea what to do with myself.
At first, I wallowed in my own self-pity as many people do, but I felt myself spiraling into unhealthy amounts of sadness. So, I settled for the next best thing, and for the past 8 or 9 weeks I’ve submerged myself in work, not giving myself time to even think of anything fun to do, let alone the lack of non-existent people I could do it with. Of course, my partner tries to pull me out of it. “No one needs to study this much” or “You need a break” are phrases I’ve heard too many times since she left, but what else am I meant to do?
Back to loneliness itself. This isn’t just a basic feeling, it’s the literal deprivation of a human need: social interaction. We are social beings. It’s one of our fundamental desires. It’s the reason why isolation cells are seen as a punishment in most prisons around the world. Loneliness doesn’t last just a few hours, not just a day. Loneliness is this persistent feeling of being lost, and it can be completely overwhelming. It feels like there’s no one you can turn to, no one who can help, as if you were meant to suffer alone. It can go from feeling independent and strong, to feeling needy and unappreciated in an instant.
But what about feeling alone in a crowded room, or with the people closest to you? I must admit that I, and many of the people I know, have experienced this at least once. This tells us much more about our own minds than one might think. Well, I hate to tell you guys, but this is a clear sign of depression. I’m not saying that if you’ve felt this way before you’re CLEARLY depressed, because that is not the case. However, if this is a recurring event, there might be cause for concern.
What about social anxiety? Most of us know that this involves feeling scared in large groups of people or crowded rooms, but did you know that people with social anxiety get scared even in one-on-one situations, even with some of the people closest to them? Well, I spoke to Dylan (mentioned in the first sentence) and here’s what he had to say.
“It’s a horrific feeling, being trapped by a prison of words and thoughts, constantly engulfing every thought you have to an unbearable degree, forcing you to drown in your own personal hell. It’s a form of torture I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I was once invited to small get-together a friend of mine was planning. She knew I had terrible social anxiety, but assured me there was no one there who would be rude or harsh or anything bad to me in the slightest, and she was right. Everyone I met was as kind as you would expect, but I was still terrified. I had trouble breathing, my palms were sweaty, and I was constantly excusing myself to go to the bathroom to help calm myself down. But the thing that surprised my friend, was she had no idea I was even afraid, because I’ve mastered the art of hiding it. The reason I share this story with you is so you can learn that just because someone may seem fine and dandy, doesn’t mean they are. No one that night knew how scared I was or that I had several mini panic attacks. So, keep that in mind, extroverts. You never know who might need your help.”
Not a great way to have to live your life, right? Spare a thought for those dealing with these feelings on a daily basis, with those they should be the most comfortable with. The amount of loneliness they must feel crushes my heart.
To the people who are lonely in the middle of the night when they’re alone in their beds, for those who are lonely in the middle of the day, surrounded by people, their friends, their family, I salute to you. You are the brave, you are the strong, and if there is anything at all that we can do to help you in any way, do not hesitate to reach out and ask. We know it’s scary, but one question could help. Whether it’s for a moment's relief, or whether it forms a new bond, one that informs, educates and eases people’s minds – we are here.
You’re probably wondering why we haven’t talked about coping mechanisms. I mean, who talks about mental health without talking about how to cope with it? Well, the truth is, neither of us are in a position to give any hints or tips. We’re not the greatest ourselves. Not only this, but we can’t tell you what’s going to work. Everyone is different. What works for one person might be detrimental to another, and that’s something very serious that people need to remember. So, no, we’re not going to tell you how to live your best life. We’re not going to try to cure you, but we sure as hell are going to help you.
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