Article written by Michelle Contarino.
Death is a riddle many of us wish we could solve, but know we can't. Losing somebody in your life and never being able to talk to them again, feel their presence, or see their face – it's not something that can be overcome in a pinch. We miss the opportunities we once had; these moments which used to be simple little things we'd brush off as habitual, are now fleeting memories. I recently discovered the hard realisation one faces when dealt these cards.
I had an Instagram friend who I talked to at least once every week. We met through our hobby of adult colouring, and I valued our friendship almost as if she were a lifelong friend from primary school. She lived in Denmark, so meeting her in person was something I was anticipating to do once I finished my university studies and had enough money to travel. She never knew this as I'd never told her, I was hoping it was going to be a surprise we'd both enjoy one day.
Unfortunately, my friend passed away in the month of July. I've experienced the loss of my grandmother, and the feelings I endured during that tough year – and the many more after – were precisely the same ones I still have, now that I have lost my friend. People might say that my grandmother was family, so the impact of her passing should not be able to compare to a friend's, much less one I had never met. They would be wrong. It’s still a person you were once able to talk to, feel close to, and death eradicates that. Death is not something you can define as life-altering merely based on circumstance. It's not a black-and-white issue, it's not night-and-day, it is what it is – a loss.
Death doesn't let you say goodbye; I always thought this was silly, but I don't find this silly anymore. The truth is, death does not let you say goodbye. At least, not enough to make you feel whole again. When it comes to death, distance is itself a barrier. Death removes you from the lives of the ones you care about most, no matter the distance there was between you both in the first place. I have missed the chance to meet my friend in person, and the distance between us is not just psychical anymore. It's permanent.
There is no easy step-by-step guide we can use to cope with death, however I am aware of Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief and I believe this model can be helpful to learn, just in case.
1. Denial. This is a typical response to death. We don't want to give in to the fact that our loved one is no longer with us, instead we'd like to pretend they are. This might not seem like a healthy coping mechanism, but it is one we'll find ourselves reverting to after such a loss.
2. Anger. This is expected. The second stage of grief is not a simple one, either. Anger can be directed at many things; ourselves for still being alive, the deceased for passing on, or anger about life in general.
3. Bargaining. As the name suggests, bargaining is just that. We find ourselves talking to a God we may not be sure exists, hoping that our prayers will be answered.
4. Depression. The most obvious, and of course, the hardest. Depression is a self-explanatory stage of grief. When reaching this stage, talking to someone you know and trust is advised. Sharing our state of mind, our feelings, is a healthy way of coping and – at the end of the day – surviving.
5. Acceptance. Yes, this sounds very cut and dry. Probably because it is. This last stage of grief is what we all aim for, but it is difficult to achieve. The best advice I can give is to take each day as it comes, and always remember that you are strong. You can do this. You will make it. You are not alone.
If you're next to a loved one right now, give them a big hug. If you have a friend who lives overseas, message them, even if it's a simple, "Hi, how have you been?" One day, the people in your life who were there, will be gone, and all you'll have are the memories of a time when you both were free; free to hug each other, free to laugh together, free to gossip about The Bachelor. Like a well-loved book, they may be stories you will tell your children, or snapshots in your mind, worn but remembered, like photographs in a photo album. Cherish these moments and never take them for granted, because these moments, although they may seem small and insignificant now, will eventually be the only thing you'll have left.
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